Why I Blog and Inspiration

Reasons Why I Blog :

Without any "job" outside the home, sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting my life, not doing my part within society. I make blogging my job. It gives me something tangible to look back and say, "yes I accomplished something", as well as sharing my adventures with others.

In my circle of friends, I'm known as the "Crazy Runner Girl". While I've inspired friends to become more active with this blog, I also use it to connect with others that are more crazy than I am. They serve as my inspiration to keep getting stronger, faster, and at the same time, more crazy. So I thank you all for being my fitness inspiration. I would never have made it this far without you. Thank you for helping push my limits.


Inspirations

I've had people say that I'm "brave" and "heroic" for fighting cancer (now I'm cured! horrayyy!!). It makes me really feel awkward. I did what I had to do to survive. I didn't have a choice. The "brave" thing would have been to let myself die. That takes more guts than fighting it. Fighting was the only option to avoid death, I think it's more cowardly. But on the other hand, I do believe that people with illnesses can be inspiring.

This is my sister, Emily. Two years my junior, she has always been my best friend.



At sixteen, she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. As a disease that most people don't understand, she spent the first few years defending herself when family told her to "just get over it already" while she dealt with her own inner imbalances. By her senior year of high school, she seemed to have her medications evened out. She left for college and did what every college student does : party. Since drugs and alcohol are depressants (and shouldn't ever be mixed with her meds), it sent her into a downward spiral. Combined with a roommate that stole her medications (to get high) and wore her clothes and put them back dirty and smelling of cigarettes, her stresses maxed out and she was admitted to the hospital on suicidal watch.

The next two years, she spent more days at inpatient facilities than out. Two birthdays, one Thanksgiving and one Christmas were spent in the hospital. The family and I brought birthday cake and Christmas present to celebrate with her. She had to get special permission from the nurses to be able to wear the scarf that I crocheted her for Christmas one year. She could wear it in the common room and then had to give it back when she went for meals and to sleep.

Miraculously, she didn't have any hospitalizations while I was going through cancer treatments. She later told me that she couldn't put Mom through more stress and really tried extra hard to keep her moods stabilized with counseling and retail therapy.

During my senior year of college, she became depressed again. By now, she was on her second psychiatrist (the first one gave up because he ran out of ideas) and he was quickly running out of new things to try. He suggested ECT treatments. It's the very same treatment used for Bipolar in the 1960's. It sends electricity through the brain until the patient seizes. This is in an attempt to "reset" the brain. It seemed to work, as long as she kept having them everyday. After suffering some frightening memory lapses, she refused any more treatments. These treatments resulted in several "tics" and slower word recall while speaking. Strangers often assume she is mentally challenged and write her off as an idiot. Even after the treatments, she has the most remarkable memory (once she gets the info to stick).

Two weeks before my wedding, she was being set up to try an MAOI. This type of medication interacts with just about EVERYTHING, so she went cold turkey with absolutely no meds. Friends coming for the wedding noticed how down she was and asked if she was okay. She wasn't, I knew that. But as my maid of honor, she put up the most amazing fight to stay out of the hospital. Two days after my wedding, she was back in the hospital on suicide watch until a few weeks after the MAOI began to work. Two more years of frequent hospitalizations, and she was out. During this time she was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a disease that often occurs in patients with Bipolar because of the psych meds.

Her meds are constantly being tweaked, new adjustment side effects every month or so. She was on SSI disability at the age of 21. For two years, she sat at home, not sure what to do with herself. Her doctor encouraged her to try rebuilding her life. With frequent memory problems and severe back pain, she was reluctant to return school. Student loan deferral periods drew to a close. She would have to either go back to school or pay the loans off with her meager SSI monies. She decided to go back to school, retaking a few of the classes she got incomplete grades in because she dropped out mid-semester a few years prior. Formerly someone whom got excellent grades with little effort, she struggled to adapt to her "new" memory. It required an entirely different style of learning and she spent lots of time believing that she would fail.

May 2011. After seven years since her first attempt at college, she graduated with an Associate of Arts degree. She will be transferring to a Baccalaureate program in psychology in the fall. Armed with tutors and extra testing time from Disability Services at her university, she will have all the tools necessary to succeed. Most important of all, she has regained the confidence that she knows she can do it. And I am so proud of my little sis. She is the very definition of bravery. Deciding to conquer her inner demons every. single. day. Now that's heroic.