Tommorrow I have my 2 1/2 yr cancer check-ups. As time goes by, these tests don't make me less nervous that it'll show something bad. I also worry that there aren't many tests done anymore. I hurt my right arm last week and it feels a lot like my left arm felt when it started hurting after that hockey game. That worries me. :( I hate knowing the reality of illnesses and not being in the "it won't happen to me" group like my peers. A lot of people also say, "oh, I'm too young for that to happen to me." You're so wrong.

Zoey is snuggled up with my feet and she's twitching... does that mean she's dreaming? Maybe she's chasing a big juicy mouse! Get it Zoey! :) I just love my kitty.

I'm finally starting to feel better after surgery. That day, I just slept a lot and kinda lounged around in a very drugged state. I didn't have anything but ice cream. Yesterday I was less groggy and was trying to wean myself off of the pain killers. I also got my appetite back. But that made for problems. I was unable to feel full eating just soft food such as yogurt, ice cream, and soup. So I tried mac and cheese. That filled me up but hurt the roof of my mouth. So today, since I'm sooo hungry all the time, I took to eating just overcooked mac and cheese (so it's softer) and drinking SlimFast to get the vitamins that the mac and cheese sure isn't giving me. Hopefully I'll be able to eat harder foods soon. Yesterday I tried canned mangos and it was too hard and hurt my mouth :(. Booo!

Good news is that I'm able to feel full again--FINALLY! :)

Today I had that mouth surgery. I was sooo very very nervous. It wasn't too bad really. I had laughing gas and couldn't tell what was going on after I was numbed. The worst part of having dental work is being numbed and feeling like your jaw is 10x the size it really is. I'm sort of swollen, but it doesn't hurt too badly. I've got a lot of pain killers left over from cancer surgery, so I'm taking that instead of what the doctor prescribed. My mouth hurts a lot when I eat and I'm soooo hungry :(. The milkshakes I ate this afternoon and evening didn't fill me up at all. Grrr! I want cheese and sausage and or pizza. :( This is so not fair, my hands smell like the sausage too......

Bad news :I just got a paper cut on my finger from a tampon applicator.

Good news: I got to put a Hello Kitty bandaid on it.

I wish the movers would just get our stuff out of the way already. We've been sifting through the apartment, trying to figure out what we'll have the movers take and what we're going to keep with us, and stuff is literally everywhere. I've always felt a little claustrophobic by clutter and for that reason, I've always been such a neat-freak. This is sort of making me freak out. Matt doesn't understand my neatness either, so when I try to talk about it with him, he says I have to compromise. I haven't been sleeping very well and I think that this has contributed to it. When I lived by myself, I couldn't fall asleep if I knew that things were messy. That may be it now.......

On Friday, I'm having surgery on my mouth. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's not absolutely necessary right now, but I'm doing it now to make sure things don't get worse. I have gum recession on a couple of my teeth, so they are taking a bit of gums from the roof of my mouth and putting it in under the gums of the problem teeth. It should make the gums thicker so the recession stops. I wish I had dental insurance.... real bad. This is going to cost two months of substitute pay.

I feel really bad that I keep cancelling some of the sub jobs. It's become that I've cancelled one in five jobs I sign up for. Lately, I've been feeling sick a lot. It's not any sickness that is persistent enough to go to a doctor for, but something that still makes me want to curl up in front of the tv and lounge around everyday.....I have nasty headaches every evening, I don't know what it is. They do feel worse on days that its warm and windy--so it may be a resurgence of my allergies. I stopped taking my allergy meds in early Dec. when it froze a week in a row. I guess the worst part of it all is that I feel like I let Matt down each time. He says it doesn't bother him that I cancel jobs, but it seems like he bottles up his feelings a lot. Nobody can be TRULY ok with everything I do, can they?

It's been almost a week since I came back from a visit with my family. It was really good for the most part : a lot of quality time with the family without outside distractions. I went running a lot with Chris and one day, on our run, had a snowball fight. I chatted with Emily while she cleaned her room and we went to Goodwill. I also had a quality talk with Mom. Her relationship with Dad has definitely gone beyond the point of repair. Its kind of upsetting to see, but I absolutely understand why she feels that way. When I was living at home before the wedding, I cried on multiple occasions because Dad would get mad at me for the stupidest of things. He still gets mad like that. I don't know what's wrong with him in his head, but there's definitely something. He's very controlling and insists on having things done his way. His world is so warped.

Last week, I shared my (other) cancer journal with Aunt Cathy. There was a lot of this stuff about Dad in it. She attributed it to my treatment frustrations and went on to say "he loves you and has a soft streak a mile long"..blah blah blah. Well I'm sure that he does, but he sure doesn't show it. He never says he loves us and I'm not surprised his family comes to his defense. They never see the mean man underneath. If someone would only stay for the weekend, they'd see. His "nice guy" facade only lasts a few days. My friends always thought he was nice until they spent the night. I think it would take a few days longer because he'd try harder to keep up his nice guy routine, but I'm sure he'll crumble someday in front of his family and they will all see.

Mom is planning on leaving him once she feels like she has enough money to support herself and Emily, who lives at home and probably will for another few years at least.

I know I say it a lot, but I'm sure glad that I don't live at home anymore! A life without drama sure feels good. I'm still on the periphery of my family drama and it isn't fun, but it isn't to the degree of being in the thick of it all. *sigh*

I am such a slacker, did you know that? I was talking to Matt the other day and he asked me why I stopped journaling. I guess that I've been using him as a journal. He told me that he wouldn't remember as well as my book would, so here I am, writing in my trusty journal again.

In less than two months, Matt and I are moving to Fairbanks, Alaska. He began to panic after DTN didn't offer him a job, so he applied for all the NWS jobs in the country and HE GOT FAIRBANKS! He's really excited about his new job, and the jury is still out as to whether I want to go live there. I am, however, very excited about the road trip we are going to make to get there. I love road trips and I think I'll be adding several new states to the list of places I've been to.