Crisis of Confidence

Have you ever had a crisis of confidence with your training?  A poor attitude can seal your fate, no matter how well-trained you happen to be.  It reminds me of a favorite quote of mine, one that I know has been featured on this blog before:

(Source)

The taper does crazy things in my mind.  I think back to all that went wrong, from mediocre performances caused by circumstances outside of my control (Bidwell Half, Green Bay Marathon), to the last four months of allergy suffering.  How I didn’t feel ready to take on a marathon goal that was to be fifteen minutes faster than my current PR.  How most of my benchmark races fell short of expectations because of my allergy symptoms.  I really needed something to boost my confidence.

Now this is going to sound completely ridiculous, but it works for me, so hear me out.  Get in front of a mirror (bonus points if it is your bathroom mirror and a toilet is in the reflection adding an element of humor) and talk to yourself.  Be honest about why you doubt your abilities.  Look yourself in the eye and talk it out, realize why this is so important to you.  At first, it will feel silly and you might laugh but keep going.

My self-doubt was rooted in several different things:

1.       Part of me was still hanging on how Green Bay wasn’t “halfway” to 3:30.  I probably would have run a 3:37 in GB if the weather had cooperated.  Taking seven minutes off of that would seem much more manageable than fifteen minutes.

2.       I was still fighting the spot in my head that thinks a 7:xx/mi. anything has no place in my marathon.  Somehow, I believed that there was more between 7:59 and 8:00 than just a single second.  In reality, it isn’t a big deal.

3.       When I completed my first road marathon in just under five hours, I told myself that I would stop training for time when I reached 3:30.  Why 3:30?  Because I thought that was “super fast”.  I had also told my husband that once I reached that goal, we could start a family.  Now that I’m going for that “lifetime/life changing” goal, I’ve realized two things: I’m just getting up some momentum and figuring out how to run my best.  And I’m still not ready to have a family.  Matt and I have really enjoyed going for more ambitious goals and I don’t think I’m ready to stop here.  And babies, eek.  So not ready for that yet and it has nothing to do with running.

4.       My allergies and recent breathing problems bashed me down at a point in training where I was to feel the most confident.

As I stood there, essentially talking to myself, I talked through my fears.  I found a way to talk through my fears and by the end, I felt good.  My allergy problems are now under control.  I’m beginning to feel rested.  Those babies can wait.  The time to be selfish is now, while we have far fewer responsibilities.  If I want to chase another, faster goal, I can.  I have the world’s most understanding husband.  Although we’ve been married for five years already, I’m still only 28 years old.  Plenty of time.

In the first 10 miles, I can tell how the day is going to go.  If for some reason I feel awful, I can slow it all down to a training run and use the Redding Marathon in January as my re-do.  But I won’t need it.  I’ll think to myself, “Someday, I’ll run Redding, but it won’t be this year.”  That will help me sleep better the night before the race.

I thought through my training.  Several weeks of 50+ miles including two speed days per week.  Those 10 mile MRP runs were supposed to be hard and leave me wondering how I could go 16 more.  Those long runs were supposed to be slow.  Those taper weeks will remove the fatigue of weeks gone by.  Those three taper weeks without a 15-20 mi. run (as I’ve had every other week nearly all year) will have me jumping, drooling, and howling for a long day like an anxious sled dog. 

I talked myself through what race day would be.  I plan to run with Megan.  Both of us have the demons of marathons past to shake off.  We’ll get to the halfway point at 1:45.  I’ll remark that I never felt a half marathon at that point feel so comfortable.  I’ve never tapered for a half marathon, so by comparison, it will feel easy.  By twenty miles, I’ll be feeling okay and “easy” will slowly fade away.  Even if we slow a little bit in the last 10K, it never amounts to much unless we walk it, and it always hurts more to walk anyways, so we’ll keep running.  At mile 25, when all we want to do is nap, we’ll tell ourselves, “We can do anything for 10 more minutes” and “we didn’t come this far to give up now.”  We will cross the finish line, get our foil capes and feel like super heroes.  That’s what is going to happen.

Surprisingly enough, some of my face-to-face chat brought me to tears.  The catharsis erased the self-doubt and I left the room feeling strong.  This race will be mine.  I will victoriously celebrate with a giant burger, ice cream and the world’s best nap.

How do you prop yourself up before a big race?  Do you talk to the mirror?  Do you visualize what is going to happen?

I do all of these and read over my training stats.  Positive thinking isn’t going to “jinx” anything and isn’t cocky.  Positivity will help me kick ass.  The end.