Reality

Yesterday, moving became more than just a fun idea for me. Up to this point, when I told someone about our move, they mentioned it being fun and a big adventure. Last night, I had to tell my band friends. It wasn't the same excited response. Everyone was sad. The director even got glossy eyed when I told her. The first half of rehearsal, I couldn't focus. One wrong note after another. Part of it was the congested headache that I had from the cold and the other part was thoughts of leaving. I couldn't stay. I had to leave. So at break, I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was going to puke. I packed up my stuff and went home. I told everyone I didn't feel well. When I got to the car, tears flooded my eyes. I got home, Matt was doing dishes. I didn't say anything, only cried in his arms. He asked what was wrong, I couldn't find the words. After a long time, I finally told him I didn't want to leave Alaska. He thought that something had happened to my saxophone, that was why I was home early and crying in his arms. No.

Ever since we found out that we were moving, I've been completely mixed on my feelings of leaving. Of all the places I have lived, this is the only one that I've called home. I've become Alaskan. I like the people here. I like that they are quirky, outdoorsy, and embrace the 40 below, not run from it. Being outdoors in the winter is necessary to surviving the dark winters, but also a badge of courage. One that I wore proudly. One that got me out the door at 45 below. When people ask where I'm from, I don't say "I live in Alaska and am originally from (insert childhood hometown here)" like most of my friends do. I say, "I'm Alaskan." Will I feel comfortable saying that when I move to California? That sounds so foreign.

With the high turnover rate at the Alaska offices in Juneau, Anchorage, and Fairbanks, we will have opportunity to move back to Alaska within a few years if that is what we truly want to do. Will anywhere be as good as Alaska? I sure hope so.
My favorite running route is on a bike path that winds around, connecting neighborhoods, from right outside my door. It never comes in contact with heavy traffic. I will miss you :


Fairbanks better stop looking like this or Matt will have to tie me up to get me in the car :




The bottom better drop out, like 20 below, or I might not leave....